


Never Let Me Go

by lowdenlowden (scottishlowden)



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Friendship, Heartbreaking, Lovers, M/M, Nightmares, Sad!Louis, harry dotes on louis, heartbroken!harry, louis is vulnerable and cries
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-22
Updated: 2013-03-22
Packaged: 2017-12-06 03:20:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/730931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scottishlowden/pseuds/lowdenlowden
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson were closer than close. Although Harry was keeping a secret from Louis and the older boy was suffering from a terrible case of nightmares. Could these events be coincidence or linked?</p><p>That sounds so ominous, it’s a little more straightforward than that and it has a happy ending but all in all it’s angsty and sad.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never Let Me Go

**Author's Note:**

> This was my very first One Direction fanfiction but I think it went pretty well!

I woke up to his violent sobs jabbing against my back; I figured it was another bad dream. He had been experiencing them a lot recently, every night I woke from the boy’s silent cries, and every night I put my arms round him and held him tight, it was all I felt I could do. Countless times I had asked what was wrong, what the dreams were about, but every time he would bury his head into my chest and refuse to open up to me. I stopped asking after a while, not wanting to push the matter any further, if he wasn’t ready to express what he had dreamt about then I wasn’t willing to pester him to breaking point. He was my fragile baby.

After two months I confronted him again, after his tears had soaked up my pyjama shirt and his beautiful sunken eyes had dried, he looked exhausted but it was imperative that I asked him, that I confronted him in his weakest state. I probably would have been considered heartless to do that, maybe if I hadn’t have loved him so much. I was acting on this feeling because I loved him. And because I cared.

He’d sighed when I had brushed his sweat dripping hair off his burning forehead and his pounding heartbeat was steadying under my open palm that was pressed to his naked chest. I still didn’t receive an answer from him; instead he smiled lightly at me and said love you. We were that close. That would suffice – for now.

I was still painfully worried about him but it had proved to be a difficult task trying to help him open up to me, I had no idea what to do. His behaviour was off too, one moment he’d be pushing me away, flinching even as I so much as brushed my skin against his, but then mere seconds later he’d be jumping in my arms, clinging to me as if it were our last moments together. He’d profusely apologise before telling me he didn’t mean to behave that way. He simply couldn’t help it.

Work had proved a challenge for Louis also, with his lack of sleep every night he could barely pull himself from our – my –bed. It was challenging with our hectic lifestyle, but we’d soldiered on together in the only way we knew how. Thankfully our schedule has slowed down rapidly.

It was late fall when I proposed the idea to Louis that he should see a psychologist, I was no expert but after countless hours spent on the internet, I was still no closer to a conclusion. It was infuriating. The whole situation was abnormal and all I wanted was to help him get better, to just have him sleep peacefully for once. Not for selfish reasons but for the fact it broke my heart seeing him in so much pain. He hadn’t slept in his own bed for months, not that I minded but I secretly wished it would be under different circumstances. I couldn’t bear seeing his face tear-stained and perturbed at 4 A.M every morning. I also didn’t want him to have to throw away the perfect career he had been lucky enough to gain, he deserved greatness. And I’ll be damned if I don’t help him get back on track.

Louis had been reluctant, he disliked confrontation and anyone making a fuss around him but he knew I did it because I cared; I wanted to help him, see his beautiful face smiling again because it was such a rarity now. I booked him an appointment and four days later we had walked into the office of Dr Marcia Winters, apprehension etched over the boy’s face as he grasped hold of my hand tightly, the pads of his fingers pressing into my knuckles. I squeezed back in reassurance; we had nothing to lose by being here.

Dr Winters must have been in her late thirties to early forties, she worked with a smile and seemed to relax Louis, well he wasn’t sitting so stiffly as he was when first sat down on the chairs surrounding her desk, so that was a good sign, right? He started off by telling her that he was suffering from intense nightmares, it was the common chase sort of dreams, where you are running away from someone, them catching up to you and you fear, tripping until the person is looming over you. Louis said at first he couldn’t see the face of this mysterious man, he was hooded and his face shadowed in the darkness; that would explain the sleepless nights and waterfalls.

He then admitted that as the months passed by, the figure because lighter, the hood vanished and he had recognised the figure. Louis apologetically looked at me before taking my hand again, squeezing it reassuringly and telling the Dr and I that I was the figure chasing him. My face fell and I dropped his hand, his head snapped to face me but I couldn’t bear to look back. Knowing I was ultimately the cause of his nightmares broke me; I had been what he was so afraid of despite my valiant efforts to help him.

“Harry, please look at me.” Louis silently begged, taking my hand again in both of his to coerce me into meeting his eyes.

“I-I- c-can’t, Lou.”

“This isn’t your fault.”

“You’re scared of me; I tried to protect you, and who from? Myself.”

“You listen to me Harry Styles,” Louis stood from his chair and knelt in front of me, completely forgetting Dr Winters who was watching with adoring eyes, “I’m not afraid of you, I’m afraid of what will happen once I let myself hear you out in my dream, I know you’re trying to tell me something and I have no idea what it is. If it’s bad then- I c-can’t lose you Haz, okay?”

“There’s no wonder you flinch when I come near.” I still wouldn’t look him in the eye but I kept hold of his hand throughout the rest of his appointment, listening to Dr Winters’ prognosis. Her most accurate guess was that a secret was being kept and that’s why dream me was so desperate to catch Louis, but neither her nor Lou had a clue who was bearing the secret. I had an inkling of what the unspoken words were but I’d never let that show. Louis wouldn’t have thought that anyway. The nightmares also seemed to stem from tenseness between the pair of us, the harbouring secret slowly building between us until his consciousness absorbed the atmosphere and started sending signals to his brain whilst he slept. The concept was fascinating but scary as hell.

Once we arrived back to our quaint two-bedroom apartment at six pm, I made a beeline straight for my bedroom, shutting the door behind me. I know it was silly to be caught up over this, neither of us could help it but I couldn’t stop the horrible and sinking feeling I felt when I thought about how afraid that poor boy had been because of me. I had been the centre of the nightmares of the boy I hopelessly loved, it hurt so much now I knew. Now I understood why he was so reluctant to tell me, I guess he knew how it would make me feel.

“Harry, can I please come in?” His small voice rang out from the other side of my door, faint knocks on wood.

“Not yet Lou. I’ll be out in a while to prepare dinner.” Louis fell silent, a sigh escaping his lips as he lingered there for a moment or two before I heard his retreating footsteps.

Hurting him like this was probably worse than what has already happened because this I was inflicting on him, but what was I supposed to do? I just lay there on my bed, studying the framed photograph on my bedside table of Lou & I back when we had just been forced into a band. We’d met at boot camp of the X Factor back in 2010, just before the idea had been proposed to us that five of us boys all formed a band as opposed to being solo vocalists. I knew from the moment I laid eyes on him that he was different, he looked so beautiful. I was straight as a die then, but I highly doubt anyone would deny Louis Tomlinson. We instantly became friends, we had to really, but it helped that were just as alike as we were different. When talking over our life and secrets and everything we felt comfortable in confiding, he didn’t feel like he had to hold back from me because I was not judgemental in the slightest and I made sure he was aware of that fact on more than one occasion.

As the months passed by, the more inseparable we had been and it only continued as the band lived together and then as we moved into our own place. Just the two of us. Others often mistook us for partners, I can’t say that I would deny it if he wasn’t in earshot, it was a small spec of hope. It had been five years since we’d met and they had without doubt been the best years of my life, even with these past few painful months, I wouldn’t change a thing.

I lay for what must have been around an hour or two before yawning and then pried myself from my sheets. Rubbing my tired eyes, I reached for my glasses that I wore exclusively in the house; Lou often told me how cute I looked in them. I tugged on a hooded sweatshirt and left the room. I needed to get out of this place for the evening, Louis is old enough and able enough to cook himself dinner.

I passed Louis on the way to the kitchen; he was balled up on the sofa watching one of his many romantic comedies on television. I grabbed hold of my keys and wallet before walking back through to the living room. He lifted his head to look at me, his eyes were red raw and his nose made him look like a human Rudolph.

He looked adorable yet so hurt and broken. I wanted to comfort him, I really did but I just couldn’t so instead I turned for the door, taking the easy option.

“W-where are y-you going?” He asked, scrambling to sit up in alarm that I was just going to leave the apartment without saying so much as a goodbye.

“Out.”

“Harry, please. Talk to me.” One thing that always broke my heart was when Louis pleaded with me, I could never deny him but I had to this time, I had to stay strong and tell myself I was doing this for his own good, not mine, “What about dinner?”

“I can’t do this right now, Louis.” Without another word or a moment to listen for a reply, I pulled open the door and left. No destination in mind, just letting my legs pull me though the city. 

Twenty minutes of monotonous street walking and I’d only stumbled across bars. I wasn’t that big on drinking but I was starting to think that one wouldn’t hurt right now to calm my feelings. I’d passed this particular place many times on my way around the city, barely taking notice of the green and white sign adorning the front entrance, O’Learys branded across it. I remembered the mere twice I’d visited for a quick drink or a getaway from the apartment. It was the first promising bar I’d come across, I didn’t particularly want to drink alongside most of the overtly gay men in New York City, and I especially didn’t want to drink in a bar that had a sign sporting a neon cockerel on it. It stuck out like a sore fucking thumb, even in the most homosexual of areas. I mean, talk about blunt.

O’Leary’s was welcoming, I didn’t have to pretend to be someone I wasn’t, I didn’t have to keep up a façade. I could be myself, for myself. I was allowing myself to be selfish for once. Fuck, if I deserved it. I still liked to drink a man’s drink, a beer was satisfying and a traditional Irish Guinness was indisputably welcome in my system at times like these. 

But I couldn’t do it; I couldn’t be a coward this time. I refused to let myself walk away and wallow in self-pity over something neither I or Lou could help. He didn’t choose for this to happen, he didn’t deserve the punishment I was handing out to him but I also wasn’t ready for his company, not right now. I wasn’t ready to face this.

“What can I get you?” A man in what appeared to be his mid-forties asked me from behind the bar, eyes kind yet tired, he looked like he’d been working all day, the bar staff looking a little sparse for past 8pm on a Thursday evening. It made me wonder if places like this still did much business these days, it seemed that if anyone was going to a bar, it’s usually be a club they would frequent save for the older generation who still preferred a quiet pint to unwind.

“I- actually, nothing thank you.” I replied, glancing around the room before slipping my hands back into the pocket across the front of my sweatshirt and left.

 

I watched my phone vibrate against the bar of another place I found, it buzzed for the umpteenth time, Louis’ name firmly on display accompanied by a picture I loved oh so much of him. I sighed dejectedly. I really didn’t know what was worse on Louis, whether it was the fact Louis seemed petrified of me half of the time, or the fact that now he really wanted me there to comfort him, I was being selfish and drowning my own sorrows. I was being horrible, at least that’s how I expected Louis to feel, and tomorrow I would probably regret this, but right now I needed time.

I swirled my whiskey around my fourth glass in my right hand whilst my head was slumped against my left hand. If there was one thing in this world that I loved more than anything, it was Louis. He was without a doubt, my everything. I knew the chances of him feeling the same were slim, we both now identified as bisexual at the least, mostly gay, but that didn’t mean he saw me differently to a brother or a very close friend. I thought back to the man I’d seen in our home before I left, I don’t think man was even the right word, he looked more like a boy that a twenty-three year old. In the five years I had known the Doncaster lad, I’d never seen him so distressed or upset or broken. That person was not the Louis I knew, he wasn’t my best friend. He was merely a shell of the person he was imitating and that to me was scary as hell.

The buzzing had started up no longer than three minutes later, I could easily have turned it off vibrate, or turned the phone off all together but I couldn’t bring myself to do it, this way I knew Louis hadn’t given up on me like I had given up on myself. I glanced at the phone and saw this was his thirty-fourth attempt at trying to contact me and there were just as many voicemails. My stomach dropped.

Without a second to spare I grabbed the phone off the bar surface and pressed the green button before bringing it up to my ear.

“Hello.” I responded, my voice nowhere near as composed as I had hoped for.

“Harry.” Louis spoke, as uncomposed and shaky as I had anticipated, only more slurred.

“Are you drinking Louis?” I sighed, running a hand over my face, how am I supposed to deal with this?

“Yes.”

“Why Lou?”

“Because you don’t love me anymore Haz, my best friend has given up on me because I’m a fucking fuck up!” I felt physically sick, my stomach had dropped to my ankles and I wanted a giant black hole to swallow me up, to prevent me from hearing this.

“Don’t you dare Louis William Tomlinson, don’t you dare say that about yourself and don’t you fucking dare say that I don’t love you!” within seconds Louis was hysterical, he couldn’t speak, he wasn’t breathing properly and I didn’t think twice before jumping from my stool and bolting from the pub, running the whole way home with my limbs and hair flailing in the brisk wind.

“I need you, Harry. I need you now.” The phone cut dead the second Louis had finished speaking. My heart was racing, my throat was dry and I hadn’t realised the tears dropping from my eyes, making tracks down my flushed pink cheeks. By the time I had reached the house, my keys were in hand and were aimed at the lock, scrambling with the fucking door to wrench it open.

There he was, the most remarkable human being I had ever met, heaped on the living room floor with wild hair and heaving shoulders, his sobs echoing through the large sitting room. I felt like such a bastard. How dare I even attempt to comfort him?

“Lou?” I squeaked, my stomach lurking as I rubbed furiously at my eyes.

He weakly raised his head towards me and in that moment, I really wish he hadn’t. His face was deep red, his eyes ringed red from crying and black from lack of sleep and he looked a mess. Of course I’d find him beautiful nonetheless but this was killing me, his vibrant smile was no longer present and the light in his eyes had vanished.

I rushed over to him in a heartbeat, scooping him up in my arms and holding him as he sobbed himself to exhaustion, not that I was any better with my body shaking with my own sobs.

“I’m so sorry Lou, so fucking sorry for hurting you.”  
“’s not your fault, my fault.”

“No, no baby, I should never have left you like that, I should not have hurt you so much.”

“Y-you’re here now.”

“You’re right Lou, I am. Never going away again.”

A few minutes later our tears were diminishing, our breathing was more or less evened out and Louis was sat in my lap with his head firmly nestled into my neck with his arms holding me tightly. I had to tell him now. I had to man up and tell him this is all my fault. Not letting the older boy try to convince me otherwise. I needed to tell him what dream me was trying to say. Even if it didn’t help, I had to try. I had to do something to ease him in the slightest.

That’s it. That’s what I had to do. Louis needed to know how tremendously in love with him I am. I had to risk losing him. Whilst the thought ripped my heart and felt like a dagger bludgeoning it, it was my duty to attempt to heal the pain. Afterall, if you love someone you want to see their eyes shine, see their smile reach their eyes and take away all of their sadness. That is what I had to do.

“Lou Lou?”

“Yeah Haz?” He asked weakly, raising his head to look at me, sea eyes searching green, vulnerability etched over his divine features making me feel as unworthy as ever.

“There’s something I um – something I need to tell you,” the older boy simply nodded, urging me to continue whilst I search my scattered brain for the right words. I wet my lips before continuing on, “I think I know what I was trying to tell you in your dreams.”

I hesitantly glanced as his eyes, scared of whether he’d be angry with me for not telling him sooner or understanding that this might actually be hard to vocalise. Instead he sat there, unmoved and blinked every so often as he stared me down.

“Louis, from the moment I –um, from the moment I – shit.” I took a deep breath and tried to remember how the fuck I was supposed to move my mouth in relation to my brain. It wasn’t hard, I’ve been doing it for twenty-one years.

“From the moment I met you I knew you were something special, you had these dazzling eyes and this beaming white smile, you were lively and crazy and so much fun to be around. You were my best friend from the second you introduced yourself to me, you made me melt every time you were near me. Shit - you still do. You know what to say when I’m angry, you know what to feed me when I’m sick, you give me the best back massage when I’m stressed, you stroke my hair when I’m tired, you laugh with me when I’m happy and you care for me more than anyone ever has. But then I’m the exact same way with you. I know how to take care of you and help you and – and – and I know how to love you – at least I hope I do. God Lou – I love you so much that my heart aches every time I so much as think about you. I know it shouldn’t have ended up this way. When we both knew we weren’t 100% straight, it didn’t give me any right to fall in love with my best friend, it was selfish and unfair to you. It was unfair to me to put you on such a pedestal; it’s a hard burden for you to bear. I should have kept this all at bay and dealt with it. I was dealing with it for a while - five years in fact – but then you were having these dreams and I didn’t know what to do. After speaking to doctor, I knew. I knew it was my fault. I was keeping secrets from you and I shouldn’t have, I was scared and cowardly and didn’t want to push you away. I was being selfish as always, I was too busy protecting our friendship to see what it was really doing to you and I’ll never forgive myself for what I out you through. I just need you to know that I love you Lou; I love you with every single molecule of my body, every strand of DNA, every blood cell and organ. I’m alive because of you. I don’t need you to feel the same way, I just need you to sleep easier at night and not be on the verge of killing yourself from exhaustion. I need you to be okay.”

I had realised the tears pouring for the third time this evening. My green orbs were glassed making Louis all out of focus and his face unreadable. I was thankful for that. I’d probably just screwed everything up, lost the only person that meant this much to me but it was out there, all out in the open for Louis to digest as he pleased. The ball was now in his court and I’d never been so scared in all of my life.

“Let me get this straight. You love me?”

I gulped loudly, convinced that he hated me, yes, that’s exactly what this way now. Hatred. Anger. Betrayal. Broken trust.

“Yes. Very much so.”

“Shit.”

“Look I’m sorry Louis, okay? I’m sorry for feeling this way.” I pleaded, desperation leaking out of my pores. All but begging Louis to forgive me.

“Why the hell are you sorry? Why didn’t you tell me years ago Haz?”

“You-you’re not mad?” I sniffled, asking hopefully.

“God no!” I saw a bashful smile work its way over his face, the first real smile I’d seen in months. “Truth be told, I’ve been juggling the same dilemma for just as long, trying so many times to work up the courage like you just did. I was always too scared.”

“What are you trying to say?” Sure it sounded like the beginnings of a confession but I couldn’t bear to raise my hopes if they’d crash down seconds later.

“I’m trying to tell you I love you, you idiot.” Louis’ face broke out into the widest smile I’d seen in forever, his whole face scrunched up, eyes crinkled and brilliantly white teeth shining. I couldn’t refrain from turning my face in the same way, imitating him. Before I even had time to think about it, Louis lurched forward, attaching his lips to mine, slowly working over them in our first real kiss. My lips parted and immediately our tongues were colliding, fighting, battling with each other just as they were intended to do.my hand fisted his hair and the kiss grew needy and desperate and intense. Louis was groaning into my mouth at the feeling of our connecting lips. Nothing had ever felt as much like home as it did with Louis by my side.

“We still need to talk about this, Harry.”

I nodded, knowing that everything wasn’t all perfect and rectified now despite our confessions, “I know.”

“It’s not scary anymore. We’re adults.”

“I know.”

“But right now I just want to lie here with you on our sofa and hold you until it becomes essential for us to move.” And so did I, I wanted to spend eternity wrapped up in the arms of the man I loved and who loved me. I wanted to be by his side for the rest of my life and never ever let him out of my sight.

I pressed a kiss to his temple and whispered, “I never want to let you go.”


End file.
